As an adult child, returning home for the holidays after several months away can be a heartwarming experience. However, it can also be a shock when your visit reveals noticeable changes in your aging parents. Since you don’t see them every day, your visit offers a crucial opportunity to observe their well-being and home environment.
Here’s how to prepare for your holiday visit with aging parents and what to look for while you’re there.
Focus on connection, not just celebration
It’s easy to get swept up in holiday preparations and stress but remember the true purpose of your visit is to connect. Prioritize quality time over a perfect, stress-filled holiday. If you need mental preparation, come prepared with options to make everyone’s visit a bit better.
- Adapt traditions. Your parents’ energy levels or mobility may have changed. Modify traditions to fit their needs—maybe that means preparing a smaller meal such as a game hen instead of a large turkey, or ordering a pre-cooked dinner from a larger grocer or restaurant in the area. If trimming the tree is part of your yearly visit, suggest simplifying traditions with a faux tree or fewer decorations. Focusing on a few favorite activities could make a huge difference in energy levels and mood.
- Embrace new rituals. Growing up, your family may have enjoyed a few amazing traditions like snowshoeing before Thanksgiving dinner, participating in early Black Friday shopping, or even replicating the Griswold family tradition of trekking out to the forest and cutting down your own tree. This is a great time to evaluate those activities and to start a new, quieter tradition, like going for a scenic drive to see holiday lights or looking through old photo albums and asking your parents to share favorite holiday stories.
- Give them meaningful roles. Involve your parents in the holiday by asking for their favorite childhood dish to add to the menu. Suggest dad digs out his old vinyl records and manage the music during the gathering. Perhaps mom can help you sift through old ornaments and decorations from your childhood that you can take and use in your own home (also a decluttering tool!). These actions can help your loved ones feel included and valued, rather than being treated like a guest in their own home.
Observe with care and attention
Be discreet but observant. Use your visit to gather information about their current health and living situation. Take photos to share with siblings or family members that could be within proximity to help. Notice details that might indicate a change in their physical or cognitive abilities and take note of red flags:
What to look for:
- Appearance: Have they lost or gained a significant amount of weight? Are they eating less? Do you notice any unexplained bruises or skin conditions? Is their hygiene different from what you remember? Have they bathed, brushed their hair or teeth? Are there piles of laundry, and are they wearing clean clothes? As our parents age, these are all signs that they may not have the energy or cognitive ability to continue to take on these daily tasks. And in some cases, simply do not remember to do so.
- Mobility: Do they have new difficulty walking, balancing, or getting up from a chair? Are they shuffling their feet, holding on to furniture, or having shortness of breath after a few steps? These indicators are an easy way to start a conversation aimed at securing tools to help with their mobility. Perhaps suggesting a decorated or fashionable cane for stability (bedazzling project anyone?) or an electric recliner that can be both comfortable and help them get up without losing their breath or balance so easily.
- Mental and emotional state: Notice any changes in mood, like increased confusion, depression, or irritation. Are they able to hold a conversation and create sentences easily without struggling to find the words? If they seem less interested in socializing, engaging in hobbies or social activities, this could be a red flag.
- Medication: Look for signs of missed doses, like full pill bottles or even empty ones without a refill, as well as expired medications. Any of these scenarios can be signs of depression or an indicator of memory issues.
If any health issues are worrying you, now is the time to broach the subject of assistance and the option of in-home care. If you feel your loved one is in danger, take action right away – make an appointment with their primary care physician. They may be angry at you in the beginning for “overstepping,” but in the end, their safety is more important than their pride.
What to look for in their home:
- Clutter: Has a once-tidy home become cluttered or dirty? Piles of dishes, laundry or scattered notes, papers and mail can signal that housekeeping has become overwhelming- both mentally and physically.
- Cleanliness: Take note of important areas of the house to ensure that there are no health dangers such as used plates stacked up outside of the kitchen, animal droppings or signs of unwanted guests in hidden spaces. Also evaluate the bathroom to ensure there is no standing urine, feces or other hazards that can affect their health.
- Safety hazards: Look for loose rugs or railings, poor lighting, or other obstacles that could cause a fall. Check for fire hazards, like burn marks on pots or scorched pans. Check for cleaning products mixed in with food or beverages. Ensure any medical products are not stored near toothpaste or other personal products. Your presence could be a great opportunity to help reorganize these spaces, replace light bulbs, tape down rug corners and check batteries in fire alarms.
- Food: Check the refrigerator and pantry for spoiled or expired food. Look in the freezer for items that may have been frozen for too long or have a bad case of freezer burn. Restocking the pantry with canned goods and other items that have a long shelf life can be incredibly helpful in keeping your loved one safe from foodborne illnesses.
- Finances: Stacks of unopened bills or signs of unusual spending could point to problems with financial management. Are you noticing multiple calls from creditors during your visit? Stacks of unopened boxes throughout the home, or a few too many deliveries that can’t be explained away as holiday gifts? Offer to help your loved one by setting up automatic bill pay for regular monthly expenses. You can also broach the subject of being added to their bank account for their protection. You can use the opportunity to keep an eye on what they’re ordering to ensure there’s no instance of being taken advantage of.
Start the conversation
If you spot potential red flags, approach the topic with care, respect and empathy. Avoid accusatory language or confronting them at the dinner table.
- Begin with gentle observations: Instead of jumping to a conclusion, mention what you’ve noticed casually. For example, “Mom, I saw a few unopened bills. Is everything okay with the mail?”
- Ask open-ended questions: Frame your questions around their feelings and needs. Try asking, “How have things been since I last saw you?” or “Is there anything you wish you had help with around the house?”
- Empower them with choices: Involve your parents in creating a plan rather than telling them what to do. Start with the benefits of a plan vs. what you see them doing wrong. The more empowered and in control they feel, the more likely they are to accept help and view change positively.
- Involve others: If you have siblings, discuss your observations with them. If one parent is caring for the other, include them in the conversation about creating a plan to help or get set up with local resources to assist in the household. You can also contact their doctor to share your concerns, though you may need your parents’ permission. If you do feel they are in danger, let your parents know that they need the help and that you are taking steps to arrange it now.
Any of these red flags can be overwhelming. Remember, you won’t solve all the problems in a day and these issues may become an uphill battle well beyond this visit. Many aging adults don’t realize or accept the fact that their health is declining. Now is not the time to shy away from confrontation. Speak up – whether it’s with your parents or siblings – and start the discussion that bring these issues out in the open. Maintaining an ongoing conversation with empathy and respect can go a long way in helping your parents maintain their safety and dignity as they age.
